Excessive Apologies: How to Break the Pattern
For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Questioning
This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.
Accepting Myself
I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.
Exploring the Causes
A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in later years.
In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.
How Therapy Can Help
When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.
Practical Steps
Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.
Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.
This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.
